I received my divorce papers this past Monday.  As I was walking out the door to go to work they knocked on my door and served them to me.  I was NOT happy!  I ended up not going to work.  I can't believe Mike and I are divorced.  I never thought we would be here, I thought we would work things out before it came to this.  I know some people think I am crazy but I still have faith that we will be back together one day.  I am not sitting around waiting on him to come back home, but I am not giving up faith that one day he will be back home.  I continue to pray for my marriage to be restored.  I know all things are possible with God and I know he will restore my marriage one day.  I still get depressed and cry but it is not because I don't think we will be back together or I don't have faith that God will restore my marriage...it's just because I miss Mike and until we are back together, it hurts being without him.  I started therapy so I am helping that will help me deal with this a little better.  I need to get better, quit being depressed because it is making things hard on Hailey.  She is sad and seeing me depressed makes her more sad and makes her worry about me.  Mike's birthday is Sunday and mine is next Thursday...we usually celebrate together.  I am sure I will not see him or talk to him for either birthday.  It will be tough knowing he is celebrating his birthday without me on Sunday.  But, I will keep busy and not think about it.  I am going to a singles event at church on Sunday.  I am DEFINITELY NOT looking to meet anyone but Shawna wants me to go with her and it will be nice to meet other singles at church....men and women.  After the event everyone is going to do something...so I should be busy and not be thinking about Mike.

Well, that's it for now.  Please say a prayer for my grandparents...just because they are getting up in age and are going through some health problems.  I still think they are doing great for their age but just keep them in your prayers!  Pray for me...that I will quit being depressed and be there for Hailey more.  Also, pray that I will learn to control my tongue.  My mom always said my mouth was what got me into trouble...and it also got me into trouble with my marriage.....saying things out of anger and hurt that I really do not mean.  But, whether I meant it or not, it still hurt Mike and got to him.  I think I have made a lot of changes but I still need to work on my mouth!    Okay, that's it for now.  I hope everyone (if anyone reads this) has a great weekend. 

 

 

Well, ever since MIke and I had that blow up almost two weeks ago, I have still been very good.  I have backed off but continue to pray.  I do not call him unless it is work related and only during working hours.  I do not e-mail and I do not text him.  He asked me to lunch 3 times last week...of course I said yes!  He went out of town over the weekend on a bike ride but called Saturday to see how Hailey's game went....which was the first time he ever asked about one of her games.  This morning he called and asked if I wanted to ride with him to get coffee from Starbucks then he asked me to lunch again!  I am not sure what's up but I am just taking it one day at a time.  I am not reading too much into it but I am thanking God.  In the past week, Mike and I have gone to lunch more than we have since before Katrina.  I am really praying things work out and we can work on saving our marriage.  I love and miss him so much.  Please continue to pray for us.  

I hope each of you are doing well.  It seems like everyone is too busy to write on their blogs.  I am actually super busy but I need a break from work.  I just wish I would win the lottery so I could quit.  Maybe I will buy a ticket one day so I will have a better chance! :-) 

Last week, after Mike and I had that talk and he told me that NOTHING will change his mind, he is going through with the divorce and he is NEVER coming home, I cried so much that day...and night!  Meesh has been telling me that I need to back off and leave Mike alone.  I keep praying for God to help me save my marriage but I never give him the chance because I keep interfering.  Backing off was so hard to even think about.  Anyway, after that discussion with Mike, I was extremely upset.  I prayed that night and asked God to just take it all away and deal with it for me....not in those words of course.  I told him that I can not do this myself and told him that I am completely handing it over to him to take care of for me.  Since then, I have been very good.  I have not e-mailed Mike, called Mike or sent him a text...I did call and e-mail him if it was work related and during working hours.  We have talked at work, been very civil...he even scratched my back last week because it was itching me.  Woo-Hoo!  But, then later on I was doing something in his office and he came up behind me and started scratching it again...and I didn't even ask!  So, the weekends are when I usually lose it.  I get very depressed and sit around and mope because I usually do not see or talk to Mike at all.  Of course in the past I would text him, sometimes ALOT and sometimes I would call and get aggravated when he did not answer.  This weekend I stayed busy, did not think about it too much...just prayed a lot and did not try to contact him at all.  Sunday morning he called me and asked me if I watch the Soprano's could I tell him what happens....where he is staying he does not have HBO and he though it was the series finale.  Which I thought that was kind of weird since his sister watches it every week...and I know he has even been to her house and watched it over there.  Anyway, about an hour later he called me and asked me if I needed anything from Walmart because he knows it is hard for me to carry the big bags of cat/dog foold and big thing of litter.  Which was also kinda weird since in 6 1/2 months since we have separated, he has NEVER called and asked if I needed anything from the store!  Oh, and one day last week he even picked me up lunch while he was out...no one else in the office just me!  So, either he is up to something or God is working on my prayers!  I have faith that it is God working on answering my prayers.  I am going to continue to be patient, behave and PRAY PRAY PRAY!!!!!!!  Oh and the other things is Mike asked me to lunch today....we went to Superior Grill. 

Other than that, not a whole lot going on.  Hailey was pretty much gone all weekend.  She went to eat with my brother and his family Friday night, Saturday she went off with my parents and Sunday she went straight to my mom's after church and did not come home til last night.  I stayed busy all weekend.....working out, grocery shopping and cleaning house.  Still did not finish cleaning the house.  Hailey and I went to eat breakfast Saturday morning. 

I guess I need to get back to work, I have SO much to do and have no idea where to begin.  Thanks to everyone who continues to pray for my marriage.  I am not going to stop praying for it and I will continue to have faith that Mike and I will be together again one day....hopefully soon!

 

I am not good at praying, I do not know how to pray.  Maybe that is why my prayers are not being answered.  I know things will happen in God's time, not my own but sometimes I feel so hopeless....my prayers don't matter, God is going to do what HE wants for me, no matter how much I want my marriage to be healed.  Please, everyone who reads this....please don't pray for God's will to be done.  God's will is NOT for marriages to be torn apart!  God wants marriages to be restored so his will is not for marriage to be torn apart but I know God gave man free will and Mike is going to do what he wants to do.  I pray for God to soften Mike's heart, let Mike have faith in me and believe in me.  I pray for Mike to want to come home and work on rebuilding our marriage.  I am hurting SO BAD and DO NOT want this divorce to go through!  Here is my prayers, it's not great but it is fom the heart.  Please, pray for my marriage also.

Dear God, our father in Heaven, I come to you in the name of Jesus.  I thank you for all theb lessings you have given me.  I thank you for each day that has been given to me.  I pray that you will soften Mike's heart and allow him to see that things will be so much better this time.  Lord, please let him have faith in me once again, let him believe in me.  I know you do not like to see divorce, I know you want marriage to be healed, Please Lord, heal my marriage.  Please help me get through to Mike.  Let him see how great this can be.  Lord, help me restore my marriage and make it better than it ever was.  Lord, I can not do this without you.  Please Dear God, keep working on Mike...softening his heart and giving him faith.  I know you have been working on him, I can see it.  I think he is just hurt and as much as he wants to believe this can work, he is confused and afraid of being hurt again.  Lord, please let him see that I will not hurt him again...I will not let him down.  Lord, I am making a promise to you, I will NEVER treat Mike badly again, I will NEVER do anything to hurt him again and I will NEVER do anything to hurt our marriage again.  Please Lord, just let Mike and I have once more chance.  I pray Mike will open up his heart and let you in!  I know you won't give up on him, Lord, and neither will I.  Keep planting little seeds of hope in his mind!  I pray all these things in the name of Jesus, amen.   

These last few days, I have really felt like just giving up.  Mike just has two more days to decide whether or not he wants to go through with this divorce and I really do not see him changing his mind at all.  I feel like if I just give up now, maybe when he says he is going through witht his divorce it won't hurt as bad.  I know I should not give up on my marriage...especially with some kind of end in sight but I feel like I am just wasting my time.  I am so tired of hurting, so tired of crying...I'm just tired.  I feel like I can't go on.  Deep down, I really do not want to give up...I am still praying for things to work out but everything Mike says and does leads me to believe he is going through with the divorce.  I had a REALLY bad weekend.  Maybe Satan is just beating me up and making want to give up but I feel like I need to prepare myself for what is about to happen.  I don't know how I will handle this divorce.  I have been freaking out about it for 6 months and the end is almost here.  I am so afraid he is going to go through with the divorce and I DO NOT want that at all.  But then if he drops it and does not come home then I just get to keep going through this.  I PRAY so hard for him to come home but it is so hard to really believe that he will.  I know God does not want me to give up, I know it is Satan putting these negative thoughts in my head but I feel like if I give up now, it won't hurt when the divorce goes through!!!!  I am so miserable.  I know I am just rambling and probably mot making sense but I am freaking out a little, am so miserable and I am so sick of crying every day, tired of crying myself to sleep every night and feeling like my heart is being ripped out of my chest!  I can't believe how painful this is.  I just don't want to hurt anymore.  Please God, I pray you bring Michael home.  I pray he drops this divorce and wants to work things out.  Lord, I want my marriage to be healed so bad!  Please, let Mike take the time to really see how different things will be.  Please, let him be able to trust that I mean what I say.  I pray all these things in Jesus' name, amen! 

First of all, I want to praise God!  I can see that he is working on Mike, softening his heart and making him think about this!  Alot of our praoblems stem from my attitude and the way I treated Mike.  Going through this has made my whole attitude change and want to do better!  I have changed a lot and am more than willing to do all the things I should have been doing to make our marriage great.  The problem is, Mike has heard how  Ihave changed and will try harder a million times and now that I mean it more than ever and need him to believe me more than ever, he is having a hard time believing me!  I have been praying so hard, everyday, 100 times a day for God to let Mike have faith in me again, to see how sincere I am and please come home to work things out.  On Tuesday, Mike was saying we have nothing to talk about, the divorce was going through and nothing I say or do will change his mind...mainly because of my actions on Monday!  Well yesterday morning, he called me and asked if I wanted to meet him for breakfast!  I was so happy!  We stayed and talked for almost two hours.  Although I did not hear what  Iwanted to hear, I was just so happy that he called...he is thinking and I see God working on him...I see God answering my prayers!  At least this time he was not saying, we have nothing to talk about.  This time he was listening to what I had to say and responding...mainly with how bad he wants to believe me but past experiences make it hard for him to believe me!  I am still praying with everything I have in me that Mike will see how dedicated I am to making things better and how I will do everything in my power to make things better!  I am praying he drops this divorce and comes home to work things out with me.  I miss him SO MUCH!  I love him SO MUCH!!!!  Why did I realize all of this, how much I need him, how much I love him and how badly I needed to change my attitude after it got to this point?  Why couldn't I see all these things sooner?  Please, continue to pray for my marriage, that it will be restored!  Thank you so much and God Bless you all!  I love you!

Time is running out but I am continueing to pray every day for Mike to have a change of heart and come back home to work on our marriage.  I will freak out if this divorce goes through.  I guess I am not freaking too bad right now because I still have faith that things will work out.  I have faith that Mike will drop this divorce and want to work things out.  Although right now, it  seems as nothing is going to change his mind.   I am just praying that everyone who read this will pray for me and ask others to pray for me.  I know there are much bigger problems in the world but I so badly want my marriage to work out and I know God is against divorce.  Mike was a good husband, he was not abusive and he always gave me everything I needed and most of what I wanted.  This could have been a great marriage if I had done my share.  I realize my mistakes now and I know I will not make those same mistakes again.  I just pray Mike will see how sincere I am and see what kind of marriage we can have, that I am ready to give more than my share...even though I should have been doing it all along.  Thansk to everyone who is praying for us.  Know that each of you are in my prayers! 

Things are not looking so good in my marriage right now.  Mike says he is going through with the divorce and nothing is going to change his mind...his mind is made up and that's it, we have nothing to talk about.  Please, pray that he will have a change of heart and drop this divorce.  I DO NOT want this divorce at all.  I am so scared that it will go through!  I try to have faith but he is so determined that his mind is made up!

Hailey is sleeping by her friend's house Saturday night and Mike was invited to the president's graduation dinner that night.  I told Mike that Hailey was sleeping out and if he was not busy after the dinner that I would love to spend some time with him...just go out and have fun together.  I told him this before the divorce papers came!  Anyway, I was just talking to him about something (nothing important, not about us) and he asked me about Saturday during the day....asked about how I am going to Ponchatoula for a birthday party and then he said he will probably call me Saturday night after the dinner to go have a drink or something!!!!!!!!!!!  I know it does not mean anything but it made my day!!!!  THANK YOU LORD!!!!!!!!  This is one prayer that has been answered, that Mike would just spend some time with me!  This is the first step on the road to reconciliation!  I am still praying hard that the divorce does not go through!  I am praying that Mike does call me to go out and that I can behave!!!  I just wanted to share this with anyone who cares because it made my day!  I can't tell you how happy I am right now!!!  THANK YOU LORD FOR ANSWERING THIS PRAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!    HAPPY!!!! HAPPY!!!! HAPPY!!!!

I got served with papers yesterday morning as I was getting dressed for work.  I called Mike and we talked for a minute then he called back and we talked for about 45 minutes.  I eventually made it to work around noon then Mike and I talked for about an hour after I got off of work.  Nothing really got resolved.....but he did listen and did respond, it's not like he said it's over and there's nothing to talk about.  But, I am running out of time.  I ned to respond to the petition by next week some time and I am really not sure what to do.  I am still praying that is does not become final.  I am praying that Mike will have a change of heart.  I am praying that he sees that I have changed and will actually give something to this marriage.  He is scared, said he heard it all before, he comes abck thinking things will be great this time and 2 weeks later I am back to my old ways.  I know without a doubt that I will never put us through this again, I just don't know hwo to get him to believe me.  He said it will take time to prove myself and he just doesn't know if he wants to invest any more time.....afraid things will be great for 6 months then I will say I changed my mind, this is harder than I thought.....which I have done in the past and now I so regret it!  I pray that Mike will see I am sincere and devoted to making things work this time.....although I should have been devoted the whole time.  But, I took him for granted, thought he would always be there.

Anyway, I don't want to get into too much detail about my problems.  I am just writing again to ask for more prayers!  Time is running out, my divorce will be final in no time and I need Mike to see that I have changed and am more dedicated than ever to making our marriage work.  Please, pray for my marriage and pray that Mike will no longer be scared...that he will see I am not going to hurt him again!  Thanks so much!  Love you all!